I’m randomly depressed, sort of. I still dislike living in CA, although the weather situation makes it more or less the best place on Earth.

I hate how things ended up last year, being, simply put, dumped at where I am now. I’m glad to see she’s moving on with her life, even though I get a chuckle every now and then at knowing how her life has actually turned out like – she chose her fate and made her decisions, even though I’d argue that she was too immature and too young to really understand consequences. The boy she for so long lied to me, repeatedly about has moved from CA in with her in CT. That in itself makes me laugh, as I know neither of them are financially stable, and have to live off of mommy and daddy for the next five to ten years. Yes, I would have given anything for her, and by this time I’d have been living with her myself, having made the sacrifice of pretty much everything I physically owned, as well as leaving my parents which don’t live too far away, to continue our two year relationship. I honestly think the thought of her growing up scared her. Knowing she’d have to one day work for a living, have kids, a house, a 2-car garage, dog cat and goldfish, etc.. was too much for her. As she put it, being “young and immature” is how she wanted to still live.
Fine. I guess.

Fast forward a few months.
Through someone I met on LJ, I met my current “girlfriend.” Why use quotes? Well… typically I consider relationships to go both ways. Both/all members must commit and sacrifice time and energy into something to make it work. Granted, I’m her first real boyfriend, making her.. scared, to really do anything. But for Christ’s sake, it’s been over six months now. She *still* lives with her parents at the age of nearly twenty-four (after she has her Bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts), she has her driver’s liscence but is too afraid to drive or go get a car so she can have practice more often, and guilt trips me because I dislike going down to see her every week now. I used to drive two hours, each way, to go see her on my days off (Thursday and Friday). Back then, I had a couch to sleep on.

Her dad… well.. he starts projects on the house, and never finishes. Currently their living room is non-existant, and everything in the world, including one of three pianos they own, is stacked up on their couches. So… I started “hanging out watching movies” in her room waiting for her parents to go to bed so they wouldn’t keep going on about where I’d sleep at. I take a nap on her bed, leave at five in the morning, and make it to work at eight in the morning. Suddenly, there’s drama, about how the parents don’t agree with me sleeping on her bed with her there. What the fuck? Where do I sleep now, my car? Outside? That’s more or less my main basis behind not wanting to go see her every week… all the drama with her and her parents that I don’t want to be involved in. That and the fact she needs her hand held to know how to do anything. I can lead a horse to water, but I cannot make it drink. I can only push/pull her so far into life, but eventually, someone has to make life changing decisions on their own, such as, buying a car with the $7000 she has saved in her banking account (she doesn’t pay rent or anything, you know..), or moving out of her parent’s house and into an apartment.

I moved out when I was nineteen. My parents and I get along great.. when we’re not living together. Then the best days were the days when we didn’t even speak to eachother, which is quite sad. They’d go off to work, I’d head to school in the afternoon and work directly after, be home at 11-11:30 when they’re in bed. Rinse and repeat 5 days a week.

But currently, the girlfriend thing has me spinning. I miss having fun with my significant other. I miss being random, doing something because we feel like doing it at the direct moment and not five minutes before or after. Being flexible enough as to when we want to eat, what we want to do for the day, driving around aimlessly or watching really bad movies on cable. He-Man live action movie was great.. and horrible at the same time. I’ll mention something internet-related, or current-trend related, and I get a typical “huh?” response, like she’s 3 months behind everyone else in current events. I made, from parts off the store shelves, a new computer for her. Case, video card, everything. I told her to get DSL when she got home; it’s cheaper than what she pays for her dial-up now, and her NEW computer will love it so much more. I hated having to install a dial-up modem into that thing. That was 3 weeks ago. She’s still using crappy ass dial-up. She still lives at home. She went to look at cars last weekend, which I was totally proud of her for, but she’s too insecure to want to buy anything… ugh.

It’s sad. I care about her less and less everyday. I even avoid talking to her on AIM when I just don’t feel like it. I was NEVER that way with Emily. If we went six hours without talking, it was too long. Being with her when I went over there to visit, or she came over here, were the best days of my life. I feel as if I’ll never have moments like that again, which makes future life that much more gray-looking. The best week of my entire life was the first time I flew to Connecticut and spent two weeks with her in her college dorm. I cried at the airport when we parted. I cried every other time as well, except the last time I saw her.. I had gotten over it at that point, and figured we were strong enough in our relationship that we knew when we’d see each other again. I don’t know.. I just want that feeling back again. =/

And now, current day, I wonder if I should say anything to her. Actually, I know I should, but I just can’t. I know I’d hurt her too much; she just got hired full time at the job she worked at, got a nice salary raise and benefits, etc. I do not want to ruin life for her, by telling her that I just.. don’t want to be with her anymore. I wouldn’t ever cheat on her. I did that when I was 16, I had a blast, I did my thing, I won and broke hearts at the same time. I won’t do that again, it was nine years ago. Now I actually care about people, heh.
On the flip side though, I should also think about myself. My future. Giving my parents grandchildren one day, and god-fucking-willing, hopefully I pray, give my grandparents greatgrandchildren. Laying a baby into my grandfather’s arms before he dies would I think make my life complete (as I start to tear up typing this).

I want someone who’s not afraid to change, not afraid to grow and mature, not afraid to look one day ahead without knowing whether you will fall or climb.
I want a woman who won’t expect the day I propose marriage, when we’re sitting down for the night to watch our favorite TV show, getting the clothes out of the dryer, or coming home from a cheap fast food meal.
I want someone who does want kids one day, not too soon but not too late either. Who is open to the idea of 2.5 kids, a dog, a house with a white-picketed fence, etc. A normal average life suits me completely fine, as that idea satisifies alot of my wants and desires. Yeah, I’m pretty much open to anything, new experiences and things I’m not all too familar with. But that’s a part of being with someone, sharing interests together. ;)

Like country music? Too bad. Atleast try to tolerate it at times. ;)
Download (and if you cannot find it, ask me and I’ll send them to you)
John Michael Montgomery – Home to You
Phil Vassar – Just Another Day in Paradise
Tim McGraw – My Best Friend

These two songs sum up alot of how I feel at times.